The Zechs Files
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: In a world full of aliens, where the only hope is a handful of FBI agents... One man stands out above them all. This is his story. These are... The Zechs Files.
1. Aliums!

In a world full of aliens...  
In a place where the only hope is a handful of FBI agents...  
One man alone stands out above all others.  
This is his story.  
These are... The Zechs Files....  
  
FBI (Federal Butt Inspectors) Headquarters  
Friday  
4 AM  
  
"WAKE UP! ALIEN!" A shout was heard. Zechs immediately woke up and jumped up from his chair, glancing around for anything nearby he could use for a weapon. "I thought that would work. Can nothing wake you but the threat of aliens?" Treize complained. "Uh... Sorry, sir." Treize smiled and sat on the edge of Zechs' desk. "Don't call me 'sir'. Too formal. Call me Cupcake." Zechs slowly began moving away from Treize. "Hey! Where are you going?" "Nowhere, sir." Treize glared at Zechs. "Uh... Nowhere, 'Cupcake.'" Treize smiled happily. "Alrighty, then. Your next assignment will take you to the most feared of places, the one place no person can stand to be..." Zechs' eyes widened. "You mean New Jersey?" Treize shook his head. "Even worse. Relenas house."  
  
Relena Peacecraft's (Bitch) House  
Friday  
4:47 AM  
  
"Hello, Milli... Uh, 'Zechs'." Relena giggled, causing all 600 pounds of her to jiggle. "Come on in. I was just sitting here having a light snack, watching Oprah." Zechs glanced at the food on the table, which consisted of two turkeys, a bowl of fruit, a ham, several plates of spaghetti, a bag of burritos, a hamburger, some fish, three extra large pizzas, and a stick of Trident gum. "I see you've decided to go on a diet." Zechs remarked. "Yup. I've lost 200 pounds already! But Jenny said that if I ate any more of their food, they'd go bankrupt, so she kicked me out." "Jenny?" Zechs asked. "Jenny Craig." Zechs nodded his head and took a seat at Relenas dining room table. "Well, Ms. Peacecraft, I..." Relena cut him off and glared angrily at him. "Miss? What do you mean 'Miss'? I'm marrying Heero!" Zechs nodded his head. "Uh-huh. So I take it that you don't know he married Duo two days ago..." Relena began to shake furiously, which started an earthquake, and she fell into a large crack in the ground, where she remained stuck for days.  
  
FBI Headquarters  
Friday  
5:13 AM  
  
"Sir?" Zechs began. "I told you, call me Cupcake." "Okay, fruitcake, what exactly was I supposed to look for at Relenas house?" Treizes eyes narrowed. "Fruitcake? That's the last straw! You're fired!" Zechs sighed and took his shirt off. "Congratulations, you've got yourself a job. You were supposed to look for... No, keep the shirt off... You were supposed to look for any suspicious activity that could... No, leave the shirt off... That could possibly be a sign of alien activity." Zechs nodded his head. "Well, I didn't see any." Treize began pacing the room. "Well, that is very disturbing... That means that the aliens are not at Relenas, as we had hoped, but rather at... They are at... They are at... They're at... HELLOOOOOO! I'm supposed to get shot now!" A few seconds went by, and then a bullet hit Treize's desk. He sighed, grabbed the bullet, and stuck it between his arm and side. "Damn budget cuts... *ahem* Oh, no! I fear that I may not survive this! Everything's getting dark! Oh, help!" Teize shouted and then fell to the ground, unconcious.  
  
Treize's (fruitcake) House  
Sunday  
2 PM  
  
"Sir? Are you alright?" Zechs asked as Treize became concious. "Cupcake. Not sir." Treize reminded him. "Yes, I'm fine. Have you gone to Hildes house to find the aliens yet?" Zechs shook his head. "You were shot before you could tell me they were at Hildes." Treize gasped fearfully. "Hurry, you must go and stop them! Go, run, quickly! They cannot complete their evil plan or we're all doomed!" Zechs took Treizes advice and ran quickly to his car and drove off into the sunset before realising that Hildes house was the other way.  
  
Hilde's (really annoying dumbass bitch that likes Duo, who is MINE. I mean... Heero's) House  
Sunday  
Midnight  
  
"Damn western movies..." Zechs mumbled before knocking on the door. Hilde opened the door a few moments later. "Oh, I see you've been eating at Relena's house." He said as he noted that Hilde looked to weigh almost as much as Relena. "Yep, an' I's a gonna go over thar taday, ta eat me sommer viddles, too." She said, small pieces of chicken flying out of her mouth with every word. "Uh... Yeah... That's nice..." "W'all, I's a go..." Hilde began choking, and then she coughed up an alien. "AH! YOU ATE AN ALIEN!" Hilde stared at the alien. "Me? W'all, now, I'dn't call that thar one o' them newfangled alien critters... Itsa... Uh..." Zechs ran to his car, grabbed one of the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-L size ziploc bags he had gotten from Relena, and then put the alien inside the bag, zipping it shut, keeping it fresh from meal to meal.  
  
Cupcake's House  
Monday  
1 AM  
  
"Si-... Er, Cupcake, Hilde ate one of the aliens. She coughed it up, I put it in this ziploc baggy which keeps food fresher longer..." Zechs paused to smile at the camera in front of him. "... And brought it over here right away." Treize jumped out of bed, grabbed Zechs, pulled his pants off, and threw him onto the bed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SI-...Uh, CUPCAKE?!" The neighbors, who were watching the two from their balcony, snickered as they heard those words. "I'm just trying to get you undressed so we can fu..." Zechs pushed Treize away and jumped out of the bed. "Look, I called you cupcake, I took off my damn shirt, I am NOT going to have sex with you!" Treize thought for a moment. "I'll give you a raise." He offered. "Nuh-uh." "Um... I'll give you... Aw, why bother to bribe you? Zechs, I'll just lay everything out as it is, and let you decide... Zechs, I love you." And these words touched Zechs so much that he stripped and hopped into Treize's bed.  
  
Thus ends chapter one, but there shall be more soon! R+R! 


	2. Vont Ma Tortue...

FBI Headquarters  
Monday  
3:14 PM  
  
"Zechs... I don't think I believe it. I need proof, or I can't possibly believe that something so... So strange... Could occur." Noin said. "Look, I can't give you any proof, you just have to take my word for it. Besides, stranger things have happened." Noin raised an eyebrow skeptically. "I wouldn't be too sure about that. Aliens? There's no proof about that. Even things like the northern lights can't compare..." Zechs glared at Noin. "Look, I can't prove it to you, I DO have proof that aliens exist, and as for this dispute... It IS true."  
  
Treize popped into the office at just that moment, and asked what the argument was about. "Well... I told Noin I slept with you, and she said she didn't believe it, that she needed proof." Treize nodded his head. "I guess it could be unbelievable to someone who depends solely on facts... And to someone who hasn't seen the whole 'Cupcake' thing, and the taking your shirt off to get your job back thing..."  
  
Just then, the lights went out. "Good thing it's still morning, or we wouldn't be able to see." A random FBI agent commented, and then everyone was knocked out by the sleeping gas that had been set off in the room when the lights went out. They did not awake until it was night, so that they couldn't see. "Zechs! This has to be the work of aliens... Go investigate." Treize instructed the blonde agent. "Okay... But if it was aliens that cut the power, I might need some help." Treize jumped up and down repeatedly, but was pushed out of the way by Noin. "If you two really are in a relationship, you'll end up frenching in front of the aliens. I'll go with Zechs."  
  
Roof of the FBI Headquarters  
Monday  
10:07 PM  
  
"I don't see anything, Noin..." Zechs muttered as he began looking for any sign of alien activity. "We've got to keep looking... Let's look for severed lines. If we come across anything alien, we can take care of it then." And so the two agents split up and resumed their search.  
  
"Let's see... Maybe over here in this maze of pipes..." Zechs cautiously approached the pipes, looking for anything that could be linked to aliens. A small, scaly thing with 86 eyes and 11 arms leaped out of the pipes, bit Zechs, and ran off somewhere. "Aha! That was an alien! NOIN!" Zechs yelled, and Noin ran up to him. "What is it, Zechs?" "I was bit by something with 86 eyes and 11 arms!" Noin looked around until she spotted the small creature. "That isn't an alien. That's just something that came from the nuclear power plant next door. Things like that come from there all the time, it's just the nuclear waste."  
  
"Zechs, now that I've cleared up this matter... I found the power lines. They weren't cut, like I thought they would be... But they were chewed off, and I found them hanging out of an alien spacecraft. Do you think it could be alien-related?" "No, it couldn't be. We'll have to continue our search for proof..." Noin nodded her head. "Looks like it." "I know that aliens do exist, Noin... I know they do. I was bitten by an alien when I was a small child... I didn't see much of it except for this one tooth... It... I'll never forget that tooth. Noin... The tooth is out there..."  
  
Alien Spacecraft  
Monday  
10:20 PM  
  
"Vont, ma tortue, vont!" One alien said, as it started up the spaceship and flew off.  
  
Treize's House  
Monday  
11:00 PM  
  
"Well... You didn't get any proof that aliens exist, but at least you've got me." Treize said as he ripped Zechs' clothes off. "True... Well, perhaps we can find signs of alien life tomorrow, hm?" Zechs asked hopefully. "Sure. It could happen." And then Treize and Zechs leapt into bed together and had sex as the aliens hiding in the shadows watched them... 


End file.
